Waterfall of Consciousness

Also…

legionofnameless — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:51:55 +0000

If anything you’re reading offends you in any way, rest assured that deep within my subconscious mind, buried in a bunch of random shit, there is a possibility that I might feel apologetic. There’s a reason that I decided to put this shit out for you people to read, and that is because I want it to be read. Read it. Please. I don’t use the Notes application on Facebook this often for nothing.

Sixthword by Sir Randall Quentin Pastington IX

legionofnameless — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:49:02 +0000

Disregard the fiveword, I sound like a pretentious cockbag. Also, it sucks cocks, except the Carlin quote at the end. I love it. In fact, if you feel the need to scroll down to the fiveword, just scroll past it. DO IT. NOW. IGNORE IT.

R.I.P. George Carlin

legionofnameless — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:27:42 +0000

Well, I can assure you that I’m not the only person who’s writing a kind of memorial for the late great comedian, writer, actor, and genius George Carlin. However, I don’t really give a shit about all his accomplishments. I’m aware of their multitudes and I would never say that they don’t matter. What I intend to write about, for my own personal sanity’s sake, is how much this grouchy old man changed my life and the way I see the world around me.

The first time I heard George Carlin was probably at a very young age when I heard a guy in my sixth-grade Language Arts class talking about how his parents let him listen to the Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television, and my curiosity leading me to Kazaa, which was still up-and-running with no RIAA restrictions, and downloading as much Carlin as my 56k modem could handle.

Then, I picked up Brain Droppings for my trip to Germany a year ago and I began to realize that I had found a kindred spirit of sorts. My exchange family had no idea why I would stay up late at night laughing at a book written in English, which the son could understand literally but not the wordplay, and the mother could barely squeeze “vegetables” out during dinner.

So I went back to America with a burning list of Carlin HBO specials that I absolutely had to had to had to get. Armed with a new iPod and a lot of time wandering around outside until 6 AM, I listened the living hell out of everything I had gotten. I still had only a basic knowledge of grass and beer, so I had to wait until this year to fully and totally understand and love Toledo Window Box and make it one of my favorite comedy albums of all time.

It can naturally be assumed that when I woke up this morning to a text message from my brother saying that George had died last night, I was devastated. My hero, one of the few people with whom I share a mindset and a sense of humor, had died and left me alone with a couple of friends who were very casual Carlin fans. Nobody seemed to care. My dad, who first let me listen to Class Clown, told me that George had had problems with his heart since my dad was a teenager. He told me about an appearance on a late-night talk show after Carlin had disappeared from the world of comedy for a while in which Carlin said that what he had been up to was “getting addicted to coke and having three heart attacks.” I guess he was living on borrowed time, despite how much he would hate that Yuppie-cocksucker phrase, ever since then. It still doesn’t make his death any easier. I haven’t been able to laugh at all today except at his biting criticism on everything you could ever hold dear to you. I’m currently sitting in my basement with a bandanna and a laptop, waiting for the towels to get out of the washer so I can get out of the house and try to have a good time, and listening to You Are All Diseased. After 50+ years doing his genius comedy, he has finally left us and the world is a little bit darker and a little less humorous.

George, I loved you, and now you’re gone. I will always miss you.

Something is already started, so here it continues.

legionofnameless — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:47:06 +0000

So I hate this idea that companies have of making spoof commercials for their evil corporate goals. So what the fuck, America? Who told these jackoffs that they could make fake TV shows? I sure as hell never told them it was okay. Also, there’s no original TV anymore. Fucking boxing movies are a thing of the 80s. I’m not even going to look at the screen anymore, I closed the screen so that I can keep watching Drawn Together… Huzzah! Whoever the fuck invented that word? I don’t even know if I’m in the middle of a sentence…. But who gives a shit anymore? Unless you’re not going to read this, I don’t know why I’m even bothering to do anything… Fuckin’ kill live action cow… I wonder if comedy writers have ever just had a bunch of people say and then they base the story around what they say….. oh my god oh my god oh my god… what are dreams anyway? Can we really control what goes on in our dreams, or are they just the random images created by unwarranted stimuli in our subconscious that have no bearing on our daily lives? I always seem to get déjà vu when I have had a dream about the thing I’m getting deja vu about… I don’t know if that made sense, but look at it this way: I tend to get more déjà vu about things I’ve dreamed about than things I haven’t dreamed about. Also, imagine if you had a daughter and she was on girls gone wild. What would you say to her? It would be especially awkward if you actually bought the DVD and you were watching the uncensored edition… dear god I don’t want kids. Wow. I just opened the screen and noticed that the spell checker put in the accents in déjà vu… It’s sad to think that someone had to program the program to do that. Also, no, I won’t use Cat Genie. Fuck that shit. I bet it gives you cancer or something. Wouldn’t be surprised. Uhrgh…. Awkward situations … man, once you get into an awkward situation it’s ten grillion times harder to get out of it than getting into ot. I think that was an o instead of an i… oh well, I think I have a virus that makes my computer play random sound files that I can’t find. Fuck shit piss… I’m so afraid of losing things that are important to me… god damn it, why am I so sentimental when it’s late at night? I can’t seem to find a reason for anything I do anymore. I like to think that I’m all impregnable or whatever, but I’m actually very susceptible to change. I don’t know why I’m watching a moonspell video… I don’t even like them anymore, and my like of them wasn’t that strong to begin with. I guess they would be better if they weren’t so fucking Portuguese… their singer sounds like the biggest pedophile in the entire universe… and that’s why I stick to folk metal for the most part. I don’t really like goth metal that much as a whole… moonspell does have a pretty cool logo though, but that’s not making up for the fact that they’re too slow for my tastes, and there’s too much empty space in their music. I actually never intended to listen to them, I just thought that someone was talking about moonspell when they were actually talking about moonsorrow, but I don’t like either of them. Moonsorrow doesn’t have a good vocalist and there’s nothing extraordinary about the rest of the band… it doesn’t help that they only sing in finnish, either… it’s a lot more accessible when the singer is in your native language. Random note here, I don’t know why, but I hate when people have really short hair. It seems like a slight against our nature to cut hair so brutally short that it hurts to run your hand over it. It seems like humans were born to have beards and long hair, otherwise we wouldn’t feel the need to “anti-conform” to our nature and cut our hair. The only problem is that since so many people decided to cut their hair once the 1800s started, it became the common culture until it became an aberration to leave your hair growing to its natural length. I haven’t cut my hair in about three years, and I have no problems with taking the extra time to wash it and comb it, as long as I don’t have to worry about wind reaching my ears. I really don’t have a reason for growing my hair long like it is, but I guess I started out doing it just to make a statement and then I got used to it and never cut it. I don’t think I could go back to having short hair, not after having pale ears for all this time. I wonder what the official definition of metal is, because there are a lot of bands out there that are really pushing it. I mean, that’s what metal was originally all about, but now bands are in it more for the whole edgy “I’m fucking brutal as all hell” image and not for actually being fucking brutal as all hell.

Here goes a third thing

legionofnameless — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:42:13 +0000

Sometime in 2006

So today I have this insane urge to jump through a window and run screaming down the street. I don’t know why, it’s a Tuesday, that could explain it. I always feel crazy on Tuesdays. In 3 days Dennis will be going to DC. I find it odd that as soon as Mr. Parilli collects my half-done journal, which pushed me to the limits of my randomness, I get these crazy thoughts. This chapter is not gonna be easy- or no, this part of the chapter, cuz geometry’s hard enough to pay attention to without overlapping triangles to confuse me…one of these days I’m going to invent something in that class, but be so bored that I smash it. I wonder if there’s a big long book of laws for the entire country, or was it an unwritten agreement that said killing people and taking their shit was bad… It’s interesting how laws are made as quickly as inventions. Radio has no foul language, TV has no nudity or foul language, the Internet can’t have filesharing, etc. It seems that the world would be a more open place without the FCC. I hope Mr. Shepherd doesn’t want to see what I’m writing.

January 2008

Finals Week

I’ve got another 45 minutes until my next final starts, but nothing to do while I wait, since my iPod is missing in action again. It’s not in a POW camp, but I have several trained ambassadors working to ensure its return. Somehow the idea of a trombone player’s head flying off came into my head, but now that it’s here, it’s like talking to an old friend and having nothing real to say to each other after all these years. I had that happen to me recently, when I found out that my friend had been in a mental hospital for 2 months. I had nothing to say to him, other than to ask how the food was. There are always those awkward silences after you ask a question like that, during which the person tries to decide whether you’r serious or not. Hold on, I’m switching to a pencil. You can tell you’re into something you’re writing when you tell the reader to hold on when you switch writing utensils. That’s such an odd word, utensil. It’s one of those words that never seemed to evolve, it just sprang up in some Anglo-Saxon’s mead-swollen head one night. That’d be a cool language to learn. I think I’d get used to it after a while of hearing it. It’s interesting how we can learn a language just by being totally immersed in them for a while.You can always tell when someone learned a language from a teacher because they’ll never be as sure of themselves as an immersion learner. That’s part of the reason I want to go to Iceland, just so I can pick up on the language. That’s another language that hasn’t changed much in the past 900 years. It still sounds like Old English when you speak it. It’s almost like cutting out random lettersin the middle of modern English and replacing them with funny symbols. “ð” is a letter in Old English. No clue how to pronounce it, but as soon as I learn how, I’m going to replace random letters with it. Hold on, I’m switching pages. It used to be hard for me to write full words on the Internet, but somehow I’ve stopped using them almost altogether. Actually, it kind of pisses me off now when I see something like “OMG TF2 FTW”. The only abbreviation I use is etc. and lulz, which technically isn’t an abbreviation. It’s interesting how we come up with names for things so quickly nowadays. “That’s a fresher!” Did you know that Google is now a verb? Same with McJob. They were both apparently added to the new edition of Webster’s. I shouldn’t know that, but I do. I’m trying to be more open than I have been in the past. For example, Cam and Anto were playing this Coheed and Cambria song in Rock Band, and my only negative comment was how the singer sucked. So much emo and “post-hardcore alternative grunge-punk” would be better if they had Warrell Dane as the singer. That guy can make a song about suicidal insanity metal, so I’d say he can make Coheed fuckin’ awesome. I’ve got my German book open in front of me so everyone thinks I’m working on some crazy final paper. It’s interesting how some things make people leave you alone.Other things seem to attract people to you simply for the purpose of annoying you. That’s the gift and curse of headphones. There’s a guy in my broadcasting class who makes a point of talking to me right when I put my headphones on. It’s starting to piss me off, but he’s a really nice guy and I don’t want him to feel bad. I guess it depends on the type of headphones, too. Noise-cancelling headphones are a great way to say “Shut the fuck up” to everyone.Headphones that have a separate piece for each ear are the opposite, though. People will walk up to you and start talking to you like… I don’t know what, but they’ll do it. I wish I didn’t need my ID to type this, since my hand is starting to cramp up. I wonder what writers in ye olde times…e? did to keep that from happening. Hmmm… different fingers seem to make the difference. Maybe that’s what they did. I wonder what my writing will look like if I switch to holding it between my ring finger and my pinky? Okay, that’s enough of that. Every once in a while, I get this bizarre urge to write with my left hand, but I don’t know why. I just noticed that writing with the pencil between my index finger and middle finger is making a different sound than when I hold it normally. I don’t know why I’m even bothering to write neatly, since I don’t know if you have the same final schedule as me. I guess it’s up to me to find you, or I could just give it to you on Monday, but it wouldn’t seem as relevant after the weekend. I just looked up and realized that the library filled up really quickly. It’s weird how things pass you by… odd bit of language there, but it’s accepted everywhere, so Visa must have something to do with it. It’s odd how mechanical pencils get dull faster than regular pencils. You can make a shank out of ßI actually started to study at this point, though against my will.

February 2008 10:30 AM

I wonder why the Thinker sits like that. I’ve tried it, and it’s not too comfortable. I imagine that his nakedness would pose a problem too. Although, judging by nine eights of ancient art, people were naked more often than they are now. Maybe that’s why there’s so much rape going on nowadays. It seems to me that if all schools are trying to get you ready for the next level of shool, we should just start kids out in college and save a few years. Arrrticulation is a bit of a problem for me… noobuddy knows the stubble I’ve seen, nobuddy knows my borrow… I’ve got another progressive idea: Remove the tonsils, the gall bladder, and the appendix at birth and save the kids a few metric fucktons of extra homework. I’ve gotta put this shit into a book somehow… The Musings of Jeff: Ramblings from Beyond the Fake Tan. One of these days, I’m going to cut this into little pieces! Hrroooargh! I am Pants-Man. I never get enough time after a test to ramble about stuff, but I’m never bored enough to do this at home unless it’s 4 AM and I can’t slee. Sound drivers are bad drivers. Don’t ß Random ending

Late Jan. 2008

Approx. 6^th period

I wonder why all the teachers that don’t usually assign notes are doing so on the first day of the new semester. It doesn’t really bother me, it just seems peculiar. Some words don’t seem to have any roots in other languages, which makes me wonder where they came from. I’ve noticed that when I’m writing like this, I make fewer mistakes than when I’m typing it. I write stream of consciousness like I’m writing it to someone, but I don’t know whether or not I’m actually going to give it to you. Come to think of it, who are you? I have some ideas, but all I know is that you’re getting these. I guess it’s just become a habit somehow, even though I’ve only done it a few times.

Early Feb. 2008

Approx. 8:45

Trying to think of something to write, but I can’t seem to get any sort of coherent sentence together. Forgot what I was going to say… I have Into Battle stuck in my head, but that’s nothing too original if I just pasta it in here. If Fritz writes a virus that will shut down the schook, then I’m a brick made of orange peels. I want to BWraep the school, but then there would just be a billion more fundraisers for the fuckheads who run the football team. They eat up the whole budget and everyone else gets the shaft. Not –God dammit, I lost it again. Son of a bitch. My hand’s all shaky and I don’t know why. I think I’m dehydrated. Might as well stop at the nurse’s office and get some after history. I don’t know why we need to learn history like this. Sure, it’s interesting, but don’t the teachers say it’s so we don’t repeat it? I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that if we repeat the Industrial Revolution, things’ll go pretty well. What we need to repeat is the 1920s, with the exception of Prohibition. Aha! I remembered it. Not to sound like a stoner, but it seems that legalizing drugs will make things safer. We could put a tax on all the really bad ones that cause killing sprees, just to ensure people would use them responsibly. All the drugs would actually be CONTROLLED, instead of just getting you b& and v&. There would be a way to track who bought them, since you’d need to show ID to buy them. The deaths from tainted drugs wouldn’t happen, as long as they were regulated by the government. It would help the economy, simply based on the numbers of drug addicts. Ever wonder why we never hear about Holland’s failing economy? We could save ours just with Los Angeles’ druggie population. With the entire population of the US, we could start a boom unlike any other. We could still let the Surgeon General put warnings on the packages. There’s another benefit! Clean, sterile packages to prevent disease. We could still let parents tell their kids that drugs are bad, since they do already. It wouldn’t change anything in schools, since health classes still preach about alcohol and tobacco. I can see the labels now…

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING

Crack will make you one crazy motherfucker!

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING

Heroin will cause you to lose your money, family, friends, and chances of never contracting AIDS.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING

LSD may cause you to imagine your face is being eaten by pigs.

Feb. 2008

Approx. 9:00 AM

It occurred t me this morning that I should have something deep and profound to say about the way the new snow hides the filth and darkness of the rest of the world, but I don’t. Not everything needs an explanation, you know? That’s why I’m kind of disappointed in science nowadays. They keep digging deeper, trying to find out where the hell we came from, but they aren’t going to stop there, and that’s what I’m afraid of. We’re just going to keep digging, until we hit a rock, and then we’re going to blow it up and kill a few hundred million people, and then keep going until we find out why we just did that.

I have all these ideas bouncing around in my head about things you’ve never heard of, thought about, or don’t even care about. The only problem is that I can’t somehow articulate it into something people can understand. Not to sound vain, but if I can’t understand something, chances are it’ll drive everyone else insane.

There’s nothing good to say anymore. All those semi-celebrities like Einstein and Nietzsche (shut up, you can’t spell it either) took all the really good shit and said it already. What am I supposed to do?

People are so preoccupied with finding a new way to replace gasoline, but nobody seemed to think of nuclear power. I guess there are some people afraid of tumors, but some on. Chernobyl was almost 30 years ago. We know what works and what doesn’t.

February 27, 2008

Approx. 11:00

Fiveword by Sir Randall Quentin Pastington IV

I got started doing this because of a thread on 4chan. If you don’t know what that is, good for you. Google at your own rickroll. Basically the idea of the thread (on /b/ of course) was to write down your thoughts. Nothing else, no memes, no rickrolling, just pure thought. What surprised me was the sheer genius and depth of a bunch of /b/tards. Two of the quotes are on my Facebook right now, they were that good. Anyway, I thought I could tango with the /b/est the Internet Hate Machine had to offer. So I started typing, and didn’t stop for half an hour. I liked whatI had wrote, so I pasta’d it into MS Word and realized I had typed 3 pages into the little pink Quick Reply box. I realized that it was easier than I thought it would be, plus it felt good to get some things off my elbows. So I started typing out my thoughts on a regular basis, but then school started up again. I decided to handwrite things, and as I got a little better at transcribing my mental processes, I got a little more philosophical, a little more progressive, and a little more concise as I wrote. You might have noticed that as you’ve read. I never intend to show this to any teachers, since they’d get me sent straight off to the psychologist. Since this is in the middle of these entries, it’s not a foreword. I’m not moving it, so I have to come up with a name for it. It’s not a foreword, birdieword, or albatrossword. I therefore invented my own word for it, the fiveword. I can’t say I hope you enjoy what follows or enjoyed what preceded it, so I extend to you this simple blessing.

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

-George Carlin

Much indifference,

Sir Randall Q. Pastington IV

Feb. 29, 2008

Approx. 9:45

Alright, it seems some rather peculiar brick walls have been appearing across my mental railroad and they’re causing a bit of a hazard to the passengers on my train of thought. I wonder who it was that decided thoughts ran on straight rails. I don’t know about you, but my thoughts seem to be like squirrels on a game trail, twisting and turning and jumping into trees and leaving the trail. Then they take their ideas and bury them in my subconscious and they turn into philosotrees. Then I go to school and it’s like lumberjacks are invading my mental forest. They scare away the squirrels and try to cut down the philosotrees, but then I turn the forest into a wildlife sanctuary and ignore the lessons. I think life would be simpler if we’d never invented the roof. Then we could live in trees or under the ocean and we’d never have to cut down a tree without planting a bigger tree with a hot tub in the basement. I have ideas, but I don’t think I’m going to tell them to you until I understand why I have them. Scientists all think that your personality is affected by the environment in which you grow up, but I must’ve grown up in Tim Leary’s laboratory if they’re right. Scientists don’t know what they’re talking about. They never have, and that’s why we have mythology. That’s why they have to make “educated guesses” about everything. I say fuck hypotheses, let’s just have everyone guess what they want. “I think that if I put water on this fire, it will create PENNSYLVANIA!” I mean, honestly, when’s the last time science did anything useful? As I write this, scientists are creating a machine that basically smashes atoms into each other at totally unethical speeds so that they can isolate this “god particle” that will explain everything. If you ask me, if this particle is so godlike, all it’ll do is start neverending wars, take everyone’s money, and boss them around. I don’t believe in all this particle accelerator shot. I say we go back to the good old days of throwing rocks at each other. Every time we invent something, we create new problems to solve. Even this pencil, the simplest writing tool in the world, requires a sharpener, rubber, wood, graphite (since people are pussies who are afraid of lead poisoning), paint, a paid design team, and an entire factory to bring me this mediocre writing experience. All I needed to do in the old days was take some charcoal from a fire and write with it, but some people are too scared of the effect that writing with carbon will have on the environment. I say fuck the ozone, fuck global warming, and fuck Planet Earth. It’s its fault that it supports life, so it should shut the fuck up and take it like a man planet. You don’t see any gas giants with melting ice caps, do you? I for one wouldn’t give two shits if the sun exploded. Wouldn’t even try to escape, I’d just stand on the roof and welcome the bath of deadly radiation. That’s another thing science has done. Every day, they come up with more ways you can die. If we didn’t know about the harmful effects of UV radiation, then we could’ve cleared the beaches of a few hundred thousand brain-dead tanning nuts. What our government needs is cold, calculating efficiency, like the USSR. I shit you not, the day I learned how they governed, and that they dissolved, I was the saddest being on the planet. The day Chernobyl blew up, they sent in thousands of men who willingly died for their country. No modern government (not psychotic religious sect, which I’ll get to later) could do that. And that leads me to religion. People say there are no atheists in foxholes. Of course! Atheists have almost no reasons to start wars. Think of our war on terror. Rich white Christians against poor, downtrodden, brown Muslims. All they want is some of our money. Look at the Holocaust. Christians killing Jews. Gaza Strip? Muslims vs. Jews. Crusades? Christians against Muslims. I’m glad the Christians lost the crusades. If they’d won, they’d have a collective head so big that a stray arrow could blow it up and kill someone. But back to the USSR. They had no religion. There were no “conscientious objectors”. which are really “pretentious cockbags.”. There was no religion for killing to be against, so they couldn’t use religion as an excuse to get out of war. If someone could implement true socialism and atheism without any corruption, then the world would be a perfect place. No holy wars, no turf wars, no territorial struggles, no war at all. We could be peaceful forever. If we’d all just say “Fuck gods, fuck consumerism, and fuck you, too” we could go on raping the planet in peace.

Feb. 29, 2008

Approx. 10:35 AM

Have you ever written a paper like this? It feels so awkward, like trying to run with three legs. All of the sudden, there’s all this extra space to write in. It’s like living in a cage your entire life, and suddenly you wake up in a bigger cage. It’s not infinite space unless you can open the cage. However, until I get a decent ladder, I’m stuck writing on paper. I wrote on my desk for a while, but it was before I got creative so it turned into a bunch of song lyrics written in Sharpie. But imagine, anything solid can be written on. You could write a novel on your dog if you want. It’s just a matter of your morals and your comfort with high places. I’m going to get a house with a room paneled with dry erase boards so I never run out of space to write. All of the sudden, I’m used to writing like this. It’ll be awkward to stop writing like this, now. Habits die hard. I can only write like this for so long befire I make a mistake. Let’s see hß Bam. Not even two sentences before I screwed up. When it’s something simple like playing video games differently, you get used to the change fairly quickly. But if I were to try to write left-handed, it would take me longer. And if you decide to try to get through life with no left side, you might as well forget it. Don’t. Just don’t. I didn’t, you shouldn’t. Have you ever felt really protective of someone when you don’t even know if they want protection? I bet that’s what it feels like to be in the Secret Service and you have to guard the President while he’s in the hot tub. I wonder if they have to get in with him to guard him from people hiding underwater. Going back to the room with dry-erase boards, I think I’d prefer an elevator shaft. That way I really can’t run out of space.

March 3 2008

9:50 AM

So I finished Inconvenient Truth on Friday, and as much as I hope, the American public is simply too lazy to do anything about global warming. We’re too dependent on our Hummers and out Starbuck’s and our satellite radio to give a shit. Even if the majority of the rest of the world is becoming more efficient, we’re still going to be chugging along in our own cloud of smog. I think that the only thing that will make us change our ways is a total nuclear holocaust. That way, it’ll get us underground (and kill some morons) for long enough for nature to take the planet back over. Once again, look at Chernobyl.

Keep in mind that not only did I cut off in the middle of an “entry,” but I’m also not done transcribing the random shit that I’m wont to spew from my subconscious.

Here goes something…

legionofnameless — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:39:25 +0000

The drug to solve all human problems will be invented and mass-produced for over-the-counter sale everywhere. It will consist solely of an inhaler filled with cyanide and chlorine gas.

the flying car will be invented, but traffic will still suck.

All conflicts in the Middle East will be solved by an XBOX Live tournament. Winner takes all.

MTV will become a religion and go on a crusade against metal music and free thought.

A new type of Internet connection, the TX, will, instead of downloading, break into the house containing the desired data, smash the computer, take the hard drive, and leave.

All personal information will be stored in the iris (colored part of the eye). Eye doctors will become the most frequently sued people.

the Amish will be wiped out when they discover online porn.

the Apocalypse will happen at the exact same moment as the Cubs, the Blackhawks, the Bulls, and the Bears win their respective championships and Hell freezes over.

We will invent the time machine, but it will be stolen and sent back to an earlier date and re-invented. It will then be stolen, sent back to an earlier date, and reinvented. This will happen continuously until a dinosaur invents it, goes through it into the 80s, and inspires a series of movies.

Los Angeles will no longer need houses to be painted, the chemicals in the air will stain them permanently brownish-yellow.

Using the aforementioned time machine, it will be discovered that while painting the Mona Lisa, da Vinci’s fly was open.

An artist will paint a picture of a black canvas, which will be admired, dissected, analyzed, observed, inferred, and pondered until the artist confesses that he did it just to fuck around.

The world will be shifted off its axis due to a mosh pit in China during a concert.

The writers of the world will use the time machine to go back in time and copy classics in order to find writing material.

Here goes something else

legionofnameless — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:38:56 +0000

You know something? God IS a woman. Wars are God’s PMS!

Consider this- Mr. Fermanich has to choose- Meeting Charles Darwin but both of them being unable to speak a coherent word, or eternal glory and fame.

I can’t wait for the end of the world. It’s going to be great. I hope it’s Ragnarok-like. I want to meet Odin and kill a giant. Christians are so hopeless. They see the end of the world as being final. With the Vikings, there’s a new world after the end of the old one, a better one, without giants or trolls or people who don’t like their towns being raided.

What if the 71 virgins waiting for Osama in heaven were nuns?

I want to catch a priest playing Bingo, just so I can make him repent.

If a man is diagnosed with Ebola and his wife and his family is in the same room, what do you think their thoughts are on taking him to the doctor’s office on the way to lunch? Do you think they regret it? Do you think they would tell him to take a taxi if they had a chance to take it back?

If three mimes are walking through the forest and a tree falls on them, do they make a sound?

If three deaf men are walking in a forest and a tree falls, does it make a sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, how will the squirrels tell us?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So he could make a joke that wasn’t funny at all! Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk….yuck.

How many children do you think have been born against their will?

Every time you get thrown into a pit filled with spikes, you lose a brain cell.

There is no cure for Alzheimer’s, cancer, AIDS, Ebola, anthrax, and SARS, yet there is a cure for baldness. America has a problem.

In his book, Inside Out: A Personal History of Pink Floyd, drummer Nick Mason says none of the band members ever did LSD. But when does anyone tell the drummer anything?

Do you think ZZ Top comb(s) their beards? How weird would it be if they shaved completely and went skinhead until their hair grew back?

What kind of drawings do you think Stephen King brought home to his parents? “Look Mommy! Here’s a man being disemboweled by a monster disguised as a clown who lives in the sewers!” “Very nice, Stevie! What’s the brown all over the floor?” “Well, you know the phrase ‘scared shitless’?”

How did all the Monty Python people meet? Half of them speak French, as evidenced in a good number of sketches. They can’t just be idiots, otherwise they would be the 6 Stooges and they would get sued.

Hello, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not! This, however, is my clone, so he is. Oh, and so is my dad and my son, so they’re also Chevy Chase. Also, so is that new Chevy they’re coming out with, so all those are Chevy Chases too. I had a warrant out for my arrest one time, so I was gettin’ chased by the police. That day, it was a Chevy chasin’ Chevy Chase.

Who would win- Scruff McGruff, Smokey the Bear, or those dinosaurs who used to do mouth guard public service announcements on channel 11? I’m thinking Scruff, just because he takes bites out of things as huge as crime, so he could easily swallow a 1,200 pound grizzly bear that prevents forest fires and a couple of juvenile non-species dinosaurs wearing mouth guards to walk down the street.

Do you think Scooby Doo needed a rabies shot? I mean, he grabs all the criminals by the arm with his teeth, so couldn’t he give them rabies and get sued? Wouldn’t that be great? The police search the Mystery Machine and find LSD in the Scooby Snacks and that Fred’s shirt was white because he works in a crack lab. I think that’d be the perfect “lost episode” that every show seems to have in its secret underground lair.

I want to listen to something in not-surround sound. The speakers would go on your head, but you would be making all the sounds out of your mouth.

Think about this—A Bible can stop a bullet, a knife, an arrow, a shotgun blast, and a BB. I’d say God’s looking out for us pretty well. He just had to add a few bullshit stories to the Bible to pull it off. Also, notice that the King James bible is too thin. So are the Koran, the Torah, and whatever book atheists hold sacred. Notice any trends?

If you had a choice between death and a coma that you would never wake up from, which would you choose? I’d choose the coma, it’d be more like a 20-minute power nap.

What do you suppose our non-vital, external organs are? You always hear about vital organs and internal organs, so what are the ones we don’t need? All I can think of is if you had your appendix sticking out of your side somewhere and you could just lop it off with a pair of scissors.

Do you think a deaf person would still mute the TV when he’s on the phone?

I want to see a HIV fight against an ebola virus.

How many times do I have to tell you, Björn! No pillaging the neighbors’ houses! One more time, and I’ll take away your longboat!

We have already found the ultimate cure for ADD: live burial. The person will be so busy trying to concentrate on getting out that they’ll think of nothing else.

Is upside-down cake right-side up cake in Antarctica? Is right-side up cake in Antarctica upside-down cake here? I’d think so. What I want to know where the penguins got the recipe.

409 out of 100 doctors recommend using a calculator for anything involving division.

If a man was found that claimed everything was wrong, but he was found out to be lying, would that disprove or prove his point?

Today is not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not opposite day.

Frankly, I don’t understand why we left the oceans. It would’ve solved the obesity problem, because fish have no cholesterol, very little fat, and you’d have to swim everywhere, which would burn the calories. Plus, it’s impossible to go tanning underwater, so it’s impossible for countless hot girls to suddenly start sprouting massive lumps in random, unattractive places due to too much exposure to UV rays. I’d prefer a girl who’s never gone tanning in her life to someone who worships Uva, God of Tanning Beds. Same with that spray-tanning stuff. It would just dissolve underwater and never get on the skin, so there would be no Cheeto-people walking around. Honestly, it’s safer than tanning, but you might be eaten by a hungry giant computer programmer.

When is the last time anyone did the Macarena outside of elementary school?

What happened to music? It was suddenly replaced with boop-SS-boop-boop-boop-TSS and talking black people. Who told them they could speak? Somebody needs to sell them.

You know what I hate? Girls who wear too much makeup. It’s like someone puked on their face after eating a heavy diet of crude oil, blood, and blue paint. It’s disgusting! If you’re ugly without makeup on, chances are you’ll be uglier with it on.

Same with plastic surgery. It should be illegal for a person who fails the hotness test to get plastic surgery, cuz they know they’re really ugly, and you think they’re a goddess. Imagine how terrifying it would be if you were screwing someone who had just gotten plastic surgery and the stitches broke and her implants fell out. I’d rather not, so I’ll leave you two to do it for me.

You know what? Fuck cosmetics. Nobody needs ‘em. Especially men.

Whoever makes video games has too much time on their hands, and I love ‘em for it.

What if opportunity knocks and you’re in the shower? Or out in the back, slowly turning to leather?

The human life actually does have a value. If you add up the amount of money you can make from the sale of each organ, plus the sperm for men, then that’s it. Therefore, men are priceless.

Wanna know something creepy? There’s actually human-flavored tofu. Who eats that? Dracula on a diet?

The reason why the last supper was called that was because the disciples ate all the food in the restaurant and the restaurant had to close.

The human mind is capable of radieng wrods taht are srcalmbed hoelpeslsy, but it can’t comprehend the fact that we die, and that’s it.

Where is the site of the last crucifixion? I hope the guy deserved it.

The guillotine was only successful because it chopped at an angle, so that it’s not slicing the entire neck at once, instead of chopping straight down. Do that when you get home tonight. Try chopping a tomato by pushing straight down, and I guarantee that it will smush up before the blade goes through. Then, try doing it with the blade slanted. The final test is to do it on your least favorite teacher, sibling, or relative.

There are tribes of people who still don’t know what the difference between life and an orange.

If you take a ball of molten glass and put it half an inch in front of your face and stare at if for thirty seconds, then move it away slowly, you will soon see an exact replica of the last meal you will ever eat. If not, move in closer.

How much would it hurt if you were a glass-blower, and you had a really nice glass lump being blown to your left, and the person blowing it sneezed? Imagine that. Liquid glass cooling rapidly on your skin. Imagine the smell. Imagine the things you would do to the person who sneezed. I bet glass-blowing workshops don’t allow sick people to work there for that reason.

Good old Jews. They take everything in stride. They’re such good sports. And accountants. And lawyers. Actually, every profession that has a chance to really fuck up your life, they’re good at. Maybe they’re not such good sports after all….

An average Maine South freshman guy could take an average of over 60,000 bullets in the back, so long as they hit his World History, Biology, Spanish, Spanish workbook, horrid orange English workbook, and 50,000 pencils, pens, and highlighters. However, as the year progresses, the number would lessen due to the number of pages taken from the workbooks, plus the removed weight of the World History and Bio books^.

Whoever thought of shuffleboard and golf should be shot. No athletic skill is required. Which is why only old people and the ones too rich to get sweaty play them.

There is no good reason to stop saying ain’t no good reason to stop takin’ letters off’n the words we young’ns use in our everyday lives.

You know why you shouldn’t use a sniper rifle? It takes away your radar so they can assassinate you from behind.

Americans have three desires: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of the perfect BLT.

As long as there are people, there will be idiots who buy shoes that cause them pain and suffering. As long as there are said shoes, there will be rapes. As long as there are rapes, there will be cops. As long as there are cops, there will be lawyers to take care of court cases. Therefore, if there are people, there will be lawyers. If you hate lawyers, just kill yourself. It’s the only way.

Your soul weighs as much as the number of cheese fries you’ve eaten in your life. Try it out.

World War 1 was Archduke Ferdinand’s parents’ fault.

Zombies have no bodily functions, which is why they feel the need to eat people. That makes sense…. More so than the angels-get-their-wings theory. Losers.

People who read books to find a meaning to the story should be locked in a hospital and given several thorough courses of electroshock and radiation therapy, the latter preferably aimed directly in their eye.

The combover is a man’s attempt at hiding his baldness. Similar in women is makeup, to hide their ugliness. It seems to me that more people appreciate makeup than combovers. It seems odd to me that a variety of pigments and dyes injected into pastes and powders is considered more attractive than using your own hair to cover baldness.

The Vikings should’ve waited. After a thousand years or so, they could have made a living in identity theft.

When people refer to something easy, they often say,

“It’s as easy as 1-2-3!” or

“It’s a walk in the park!” or

“It’s a piece of cake!” or

“Like taking candy from a baby!” or

“It’s all downhill from here!”

But what if you can only speak African Click Language, the park is filled with thugs and gangsters intent on your demise, the cake is filled with razorblades, the baby is actually a 32-year-old bodybuilder hopped up on crank, and the hill ends in a cliff? Doesn’t sound too easy to me…

When you’re first born, the doctors measure your length because you can’t stand up yet. When you learn to walk and do so often, they start measuring your height. What do they measure you by when you’re crawling? Slant height?

It seems to me that when you forget something, it has to go somewhere. I want to find a way to dig through my brain’s “Lost and Found” pile. Unless some fucktard neuron stole it.

According to unwritten law, if someone leaves something at your house (coat, hat, etc.) it becomes yours after a week. What if your mute friend stays at your house for a month while his ex-girlfriend trashes his stuff with a baseball bat?

It seems to me that the world needs a zombie apocalypse. That would unify everyone once it was over. Israelis embrace Palestinians, Shiites embrace Sunnis, and they would lay down each other’s arms for a good eternity of moaning.

If you see someone a lot, but never ask them their name, it means that Sasquatch will murder you with a paring knife three months and six days before your eighty-second birthday. Greet the homeless.

Hello world!

legionofnameless — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:22:57 +0000

Holy shit! What the fuck is going on? WHO IS MAKING PANCAKES AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!